Conversations
by nebulia
Summary: Is it everything you dreamed that it would be, when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose? A year in the life of Kamiya Kaoru, who has nothing left to lose. [KK]


**Title: **Conversations

**Summary: **"Is it everything you dreamed that it would be, when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose?" A year in the life of Kamiya Kaoru, who has nothing left to lose. KK

**Disclaimer: **Don't own RK.

**Warnings: **Mild sap, Kyoto and Jinchuu spoilers, some angst, bunches of cliché, slight language

**Notes: **At the bottom of the page.

_September_

She supposed that her father had protected her from them. The rumors, that is. Her father was a terrifying man when he wanted to be, and all of Tokyo knew it.

But now that he was dead, she heard them all.

_Whore_…_no dowry…mother ran off…boy in a kimono…_

They disgraced her family, her father, herself.

She was sickened, horrified, humiliated. She was ashamed of being something she wasn't.

"Did you know?" she asked his grave, "You must have known. How long had they spoken about us like that?"

The grave was silent.

She should've expected that.

_October_

Students left. Not in droves, but out of the fifteen they had had, there were only ten left.

Along with them went Sakaki-chan, the little girl—just five—the only other girl, whose parents wanted private lessons for and whom her father had entrusted to her—just Kaoru—to teach. It had been a high honor; Kaoru taught classes, about half of them, actually, but to be the sole instructor of this little girl, the legacy of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu…it had been a great honor.

"We don't want a shihandai, and only a girl at that, teaching our daughter," her parents said.

Sakaki-chan cried, but Kaoru was the teacher, and couldn't do that. Not in front of her students.

Later, she did.

_November_

She had not been so alone, not for the longest time, not ever. She hated it. Those last few months, maybe the last year, her father had been gone often, but he was still there when she needed to talk, when she needed a reassuring hand on her shoulder or her head, telling her without words, _it's all right, my Kao-chan_.

But three and a half months after his death, an ill man collapsed on her doorstep. He was, she learned later, named Kihei, in his forties, deathly poor but fairly kind.

But there was something about him she didn't trust. She didn't know why, but her instincts were good, she knew that much. When he touched her on the shoulder, his hand said something else, and though she wasn't alone, she felt more lonely than ever.

She asked him nothing and told him less.

He wanted her to move, to sell the dojo.

"Women shouldn't be fighting with swords," he said.

Just like everyone else.

Were they right?

_December_

And then the killings began.

A man, who slashed and ran, first leaving a note: _Hitokiri Battousai of the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu_, then waiting till the cops arrived and laughing at them as he vanished into the night: "I am the Hitokiri Battousai, of the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu school! You cannot stop me!"

The stupid policemen, those men who had known her, her father had fucking worked with them, known them for _years_, believed it.

She could do nothing.

_January_

By the new Western year, 1878, she had no students left and any good-standing she had in the general community was gone.

A few dojos still welcomed her, and the crazy doctor, Oguni-sensei, was always kind, but Kihei urged her to sell and she wouldn't wouldn't wouldn't.

It wasn't just her legacy; it was her father's honor.

She felt defiled, even though she'd never been touched. It was a rape of her honor.

She was angry and afraid and the whispers were no longer whispers, but spoken openly, almost to her face.

When the fourth killing happened, she began her nightly patrols, chasing after this Battousai—was he really the Battousai? Something in her said he was too dishonorable—and dragging in thugs that deserved to be in jail.

The night of the ninth killing, she beat up a prospective rapist with such vigor that it was unlikely he would ever walk again.

She cried for hours afterwards, knowing that even though the man still lived, she had not used the sword that protects.

Was she raping her own honor?

_  
February_

And then there was _him. _

She thought, maybe, he would understand and had merely been surprised at her outburst. After all, he was much more than a mere _rurouni_. And yet, as she observed him, she quickly realized that he felt no honor for what he had done. But regardless, she trusted him more than she had ever trusted anyone; he was her oxymoron, her savior, her wanderer, and though maybe neither of them had realized it, but they must have both known it from day one.

He shunned satsujin-ken as much as she did, though he might protest. He stated a sword was meant to kill, and yet he swore never to take a life again and still carried a sword of his own.

He was a walking paradox; a gentle samurai, strong but small, soft and hard, but beautiful. And caring.

At first, he fascinated her. She had never seen hair so bright or eyes so gentle or skills so refined. She watched him save Yahiko with a tenderness she'd never seen in a man, not even her father.

And so he fascinated her in a way no one ever had before, and though her heart told her it was more than that, she didn't believe in love at first sight.

_March_

But his novelty didn't wear off. And her life wasn't complete without him.

She was amassing a family. She'd never had a family before. She had her father. But not a family. And suddenly, she was surrounded by people who seemed to need her.

And she was in awe of their strength. Perhaps they needed her, and yet she was aware of the truth.

The truth was, she needed them more than they needed her.It hurt, a little, but then, she was used to hurt.

_April_

The students wouldn't return, but Yahiko's diligence—no matter how much he hid it—made up for that more than anything.

Kenshin smiled at her, and Sano gave her a nickname, and, though she wouldn't admit it to anyone but herself, even Megumi-san had a fond place in her heart.

On the way home from the market, the day after the Raijuta incident, Kenshin's fingers brushed hers.

She looked up to his face and found him much closer than he'd been moments before. Blushing furiously, she looked back down.

Kenshin was flushed too, and his fingers found hers, just for that brief moment, again.

He was about to move away when she impulsively reached out and brushed his knuckles with her own, the movement pleading with him to stay.

Their fingers spoke to each other all the way home.

_May_

Just when she thought it might work out—she would have another student, in a year or two, and looking ahead was good, Kenshin smiled at her more than ever, Yahiko was advancing with leaps and bounds she hadn't thought possible—just when she thought it might work out, it all fell apart.

He left, and she suddenly found everything she thought possible gone.

It was Megumi-san who had knocked some sense—literally—into her, and she had followed him to Kyoto.

The relief in his eyes when she got there was worth it.

_June_

She fought. She won. She broke a couple ribs, but she'd been hurt worse.

Kenshin spent a week unconscious, sleeping in Kaoru and Yahiko's room because now that Aoshi was back, and Sano was staying, there wasn't much place else to sleep. They took turns watching him, Megumi-san was there sometimes, too, but there were always shadows under her eyes.

And then he had another two weeks in bed, sleeping a lot, dreaming more often, about people Kaoru recognized and people she didn't, and she wanted to know. He didn't have to tell her, but he could tell her anything and she wouldn't hate him. She wanted all of him, past and present and future, but even though their hands had had conversations, he had left.

And hand-conversations were not real, after all.

_July_

And Kenshin was well and finally they went home, and there was peace, three weeks of it almost, but it was the kind of awkward peace where everyone was happy but Kaoru, at least, knew it couldn't last.

And yet, it was peace. And their hands were speaking again, but sometimes they spoke too, aloud, and that was even better, warmer.

And then, finally, the feelings that something would _be_ wrong became knowledge that something _was_ wrong, and then the day came when the Akabeko exploded and the day came when she found out Kenshin and Sano were lying to her and then the day came when Kenshin spoke of Tomoe-san and Enishi-san.

And that night, Megumi's words—_You're no replacement for Tomoe-san­—_cut sharper than any blade Kaoru had ever known.

_August_

She found out later that they did need her.

For some reason, without her, their family fell apart. Sano had left, Kenshin's heart was dead, Megumi was crying, Yahiko was angry and when she returned, the dojo wasn't fixed, blood still splattered across the dry earth and the dojo floor.

She spent three weeks in limbo, doing nothing but cook badly and watch a sick man plan his revenge.

They spent three weeks in hell.

Kaoru returned home, and Megumi's first words were, "I can't heal his heart, Kaoru," and so when he was well enough, they went to Kyoto.

And he took her hand and their fingers were too busy touching—linked together like long-lost lovers embracing—to have conversations, so their elbows talked instead.

It might be slow, but it was a start. There was a home waiting in Tokyo, a life she could have, two students who loved the sword more than anything and something she hadn't seen in a year: hope.

And that was all she really needed.

A/N: Written last night, edited today. Whee!

Notes:

1) The day where Kaoru finds out Kenshin and Sano are lying to her is the moment in Volume 18 where Kenshin and Sano are discussing how to best protect their friends. Kenshin feeds Kaoru some story about how much fun it is to look at maps; Sano tells her that they're going to the red-light district. Kaoru lets it slide, but she knows otherwise, as proven by her thoughts as she walks away (something along the lines of, "He's hiding something. I know he doesn't want me to worry, but…"). And the fact that she doesn't kill them both about mentioning going to the red light district obviously means she knows they're not telling the truth.

2) I know Kaoru got wounded in her fight with Kamatari. Guessing from the battle, I think Misao probably broke several ribs and possibly had a minor concussion, among other things. Kaoru's wounds are determined by a considerably less educated guess than Misao's, though, and I didn't bother to clarify. So deal with it.

3) The time scheme is pretty accurate; however, I'm also assuming how long Kenshin was unconscious for. Given the severity of his wounds, I'd say a long time. Sine RK begins in mid-February, I'm saying Kaoru's dad died late July or early August, which would be around six months as she states in volume one. If you look at the volumes in order, it really only covers from mid-February to August or September 1878 (Meiji 11).

4) The theme of Kaoru and Kenshin's hands having 'conversations,' if you will, is not canon, if you didn't figure it out. I think it actually stemmed from me reading Sonya Sones' _What my Mother Doesn't Know_ several years ago, and I've liked the thought ever since. But I'm not sure.

5) This fic was not inspired by Switchfoot's "This is Your Life," but it fit pretty well and made a nice summary. So ta-da.

6) The other student—as Kaoru has two in the last section—is Yutaro, who comes back from Germany sometime between Meiji 11 and Meiji 15.

Please leave feedback. I like it a lot. Feedback. Though I like this too, I guess.

nebulia


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